I just received an e mail ad for a self defense system “so devastating that the government, gangs and thugs don’t want you to know about it”. Sigh…I’m calling this blog “Shenanigans” because the headline “Bullshit” isn’t reader friendly. Here are a few quotes from the ad with my professional opinion after each;

“How to “trick” your attacker into opening up his most vulnerable targets, practically begging you to take him out with one single strike! (He won’t even know he’s being set up…and won’t see his mistake until he’s lying on his back in sheer agony!)” Good Golly, if only someone in the UFC would buy this book and dvd…they’d be unbeatable!! BTW, I doubt he’ll see his mistake even then, what with the sheer agony and all.

“Rip your opponent to shreds in close quarters combat! You’ll have complete control over his body once you combine this simple hand movement with a nearby wall to break bones, cause concussions and render your attacker helpless. “ If you aren’t near a wall you’re screwed however. BTW, the “ripping to shreds” is easier if you let your finger nails grow really, really long.

“Become a bare-knuckled brawler! Cushioning your hands with padding and gloves doesn’t work on the street. Discover the “knockout technique” that’s proven countless times (in bars and real street combat!) to be more effective than your heaviest haymaker at dropping an opponent to the ground like a bag of dirt.” Again, please someone in the UFC get a clue and buy this guy’s stuff…unbeatable I’m telling ya!! And for those stopping to put gloves on for a street fight…this is why the other dude is landing the first seven punches!

“How to “drill” into soft tissue spots like an oil rigger to cause instant and uncontrollable panic in your attacker and shut down his ability to fight!” OK, enough of the UFC unbeatable stuff…but really, think about it!!

“A 3-inch “hidden-in-plain-sight” target that no one – not even elite spec ops soldiers – recognize as one of the most debilitating spots on the human body! (Yet the one simple move I’ll show you is so easy to pull off that even a 6-year old little girl could leave an attacker in a bloody mess, screaming in pain! No joke…no hype!)” Those damned idiotic special ops soldiers!! They’ll get owned by a six year old girl…serves them right for not letting this dude’s system replace what they are doing for hand to hand!! And, dear readers, enough with the three inch groin jokes already!!

“A strange “split-second/instant pain” move that requires absolutely no skill or practice to master…and works even BETTER against bigger attackers with some meat on their bones! (You can even test it on YOURSELF!)” Now we’re talking! Self defense for chubby lazy people! No skill and no practice…sign me up!!

“You’ll Be Amazed As You Find Yourself! Quickly Mastering Them…Practically OVERNIGHT!” The scary thing is that there are actually people eating this up!!

“Sometimes the most powerful moves are also the simplest. That’s why, in addition to learning what moves to perform, you’ll also get “fast track” drills you can even practice alone and shock yourself in how easily these powerful tricks are literally programmed into your “muscle memory” like a computer…ready to come to your aid in an instant should you ever find yourself in a “do-or-die” street fight!” Now wait one daggum minute! You told me no skill or practice needed!

“How to use a street thug’s head like a bowling ball to overwhelm his central nervous system and throw him like a ragdoll over a table, chair, or into his buddies who are running to answer his screams of pain!” I don’t even know where to begin with this. I roll a bowling ball down an alley…we ripping heads off now? I would think a thugs buddies would laugh at his screams and call him names… not run to make sure he’s ok. Maybe they are sensitive, caring thugs!!

“The convenient “handle” on your attacker’s body (no, it’s not his “package”!) that gives you instant leverage to drag him to the ground or throw him 30 feet in any direction you want! (This little “trick” even works when your attacker is straddling you on the ground and pounding away at your head from high above! Nasty!)” Thirty feet. Really? Thirty friggin feet!? And this handle isn’t his “package”? I am mystified!

“The “ripping technique” that’s as easy as opening a bag of potato chips…but will make everyone watching turn their heads in shock (including your opponent’s friends who may be thinking of jumping in to join the fight)!” Again with the sissy friends!!

“How to deliver an “under the radar” crushing blow so quickly and efficiently that it will ruthlessly dislocate joints and tear ligaments so that you can tear into the next assailant or escape with your life.” So…the fact that I’ve never seen this done (and I watch a lot of youtube) shouldn’t worry me, should it?

“Make their muscles work AGAINST them! Big, beefy guys with a chip on their shoulder love to throw all their upper body strength at you with this common attack. I’ll show you how to disable them immediately with an old school British “gutter brawl” move that will leave them howling in pain!” This is why those friggin tough azz Brits won WWII. Well, that and a lil help from Russia and the US of A!

“How to “short-circuit” a kick before it gains the speed and power to slice you in half – You can stomp right on their strategy and keep them from using their most powerful moves with the right kinds of counter attacks!” Holy crap, the “don’t get sliced in half” defense. I can only hope they have overnight shipping available!!

The “magic techniques” are wishful thinking. As I’ve blogged about before, surviving real world violence is more about the person than the techniques. I’ll take an untrained person who gets mean and goes forward with ill intent over anyone proficient in “killer” techniques. This is why Krav puts way more emphasis on teaching philosophy (go forward, go hard, go mean and destroy) than on any techniques we teach. “Violence of motion trumps technique”…unless it’s from the system that the government and gangs don’t want you to know!! BE SAFE!


1 Comment

  1. infomercial marketing for the people that COLLECT this garbage, make a fast buck, then sell them another series

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